I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
