Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
