nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
