Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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