5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
