My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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