don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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