um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
