I murdered the dance floor call the cops
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
