I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
