I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
