I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
