During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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