he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
