Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
