remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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