So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
