i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
