Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
