found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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