every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
