i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
