If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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