i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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