The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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