We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
