If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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