I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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