dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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