There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
