please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
