My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
