Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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