just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
