I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
