This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
