i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
