I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
