last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Too much gin, very little bucket
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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