your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
