my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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