i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
