I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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