road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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