Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
