I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
