So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
