The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
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until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
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Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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