3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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