Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
