I wanna bring you to show and tell
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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