i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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