Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
