I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
