I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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