come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
