It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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