I just pynch a tree in the face
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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