dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
