even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You left your phone here
Wait...
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