there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
