I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
