two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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