There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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