I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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