I CAN MOONWALK!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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