Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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